It took 20 years for some sort of closure. 20 LONG years of questions and guilt and anger and sorrow and most of all emptiness. 20 years of reliving our last conversation. The one where you drunkenly said I was a horrible person and my response was F*** You then!
I desperately hoped every year that went by would get easier, hoping that the pain would eventually subside to a dull ache. That has never really happened, it NEVER goes away. There is so much you have missed, so many conversations you're not here for, so many milestones we can't share, so many people that are connected to me that you don't know, but should.
I have evolved to become more of a stranger to you than when you were alive. But your actions helped to mold me into who I am now, what I am now, where I am now. I wish you knew me now. I wish you knew my husband and our 2 beautiful, funny, amazing children. I wish...I wish…
Well, I learned to stop wishing and I have learned to continue on with a light inside me that can not be dulled by this tragedy. I am not defined by your actions. I have grown through your actions. This experience is rooted within me and grows with me as I grow and learn and evolve. Not saying goodbye is a terrible thing to live with and to finally have closure is an amazing feeling. My soul is eternally scarred and my heart will forever be broken but there is a lighter feel to this experience now. This was brought to my attention by my husband. He can see a change in me, a change that I was too scared to admit to. This is what I have been waiting so long for. Some sort of peace and acceptance.
I know you were there that night in the hospital room. The night we had to say goodbye to your brother. He waited until we got there before letting go, and I know you were there. I could feel it, and so did everyone else in the room. The energy was incredible and like nothing I have ever experienced before. I was able to say goodbye. Goodbye to him and to you.
Goodbye Dad, I love you and I know you are at peace now.
I know this because I can be at peace now too. I can finally move forward with a sense of ease and closure. I can finally let go of the anger and immense sadness that I've held onto for so long. I can finally breathe.
Thank you for helping me let go.
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